A Romp through ESPN.com Message Boards
What is the worst place on the internet? Most people with a good understanding of the internet would say 4chan/b, this is a mixed bag, yes they do some terrible things (read, so, so many terrible things), but they gave us the lolcats and rickrolling, which I guess qualify as good things. If you read the header you can probably already tell where I am going with this, espn.com message boards are the worst thing on the internet. These wastelands are filled with the kind of blithering idiocy that makes Skip Bayless seem downright logical and since you faithful reader should not have to travel here; I will take up my proverbial torch and journey into the abyss for you. Below you will find some wonderful snippets from the worst place on the interwebs. (My dickish and/or logical responses in italics)
Article #1
Dave Schoenfield’s Sweetspot article in which he ranks his top 5 rotations going into the 2012 MLB season.
Comments
Texas was 3rd last year in the AL. Add Darvish and Feliz - subtract CJ - and I still put them in top 3. Right place. And all those who compare Darvish to Dice K and others - they aren't even remotely similar. He is 6'5" - father is Iranian - has a multitude of pitches... Definitely worth the gamble from what the scouting reports say Idiocy Scale (1 lowest-10 highest): 3
I won’t go into the idea that it is just a guarantee that a starter from another country and a converted relief pitcher are going to work just fine, that is silly, my favorite part of this is the reasons why Yu Darvish is nothing like Dice K, because he is taller (this is a logical statement when talking about pitchers) because his father is Iranian (this means nothing, even less than nothing, do they even play baseball in Iran, who gives a shit where his dad is from?) , he throws a bunch of different pitches (THIS IS EXACTLY LIKE EVERY JAPANESE IMPORT PITCHER, they are all known for throwing a multitude of pitches)
Didn't AZ just lose a divisional series to Milwaukee? Idiocy Scale: 6
According to this guy, the Cardinals have the best offense, defense, starting pitching and bullpen, because they won the World Series last year. Off season moves mean nothing. Why even have a season, just give the Cards the title again.
Article #2
ESPN Boston reporting that Danny Ainge is willing to break up the Big Three for the right deal.
Comments
The most overrated one and done in history. They really just got lucky that '08 was kind of a down year. That team went 7 games with an Atlanta team that was 8 games below .500. Idiocy Scale: 7
I’ll try not to be a homer here, but I must disagree, 4 years in a row they had deep playoff runs, including a game 7 finals loss to the Lakers, during arguably one of the biggest talent boons in NBA history. Not making excuses or what ifs, but this is just grasping for straws bringing up the Hawks series.
Pacers could use Ray Allen. We will give up Danny Granger straight up. Idiocy Scale: 7.5
Yes! Please trade the 36 year old for a 28 year old scorer that has been averaging 25/5/3 for the past few years. Also I believe the Warriors could use Garnett’s defensive presence they should trade him straight up for Steph Curry.
Ainge should have thought of this three years ago, when these guys still had some value. Who the heck is going to give anything for any of the Ancient Three now? Idiocy Scale: 7.5
Three Years Ago?!?! They were 1 win away from another title 2 years ago?!?! (This was a common thread that the C’s should’ve broken everything up 3 years ago, maybe after the title loss, but 3 years seems kind of crazy)
Article #3
Joe Flacco needs to play well for Raven’s to beat the Pats
Comments
Incredibly obnoxious fan base. Don't ever remember seeing Red Sox hats until they finally won a modern world series. The "B" stand for "Bandwagon" LOL Idiocy Scale: ?
What the fuck are you talking about?, I scrolled up to make sure I hadn’t actually switched articles, but not this guy thought that an article about Joe Flacco was the right place to say that Red Sox fans are bandwagon fans, Yes there are a lot of pink hatters (as I prefer to call all Post 2004 Sox fans), but this is one hell of non sequitur.
I'm a Texans fan as the AFCN guys know, but even though we talked smack before last week's game we both agreed that whoever won would probably beat the Pats. Fans love offense and hence why they think the Pats are so great. They've had easily the weakest schedule all year long, and they think that because the Texans held their own that means the Ravens were unimpressive. The fact is, the Texans were awesome and beat themselves, and should be one of the favorites in the AFC next year, and if Baltimore can beat them, the Pats aren't going to be much more of a challenge Idiocy Scale: Delusional
I guess this guy spends a lot of time on these boards, which I hear is the leading cause of cancer in the US, but either way he doesn’t really have an argument other than I guess defense is good and offense is bad? Also, I love he anoints himself better than regular fans because he doesn’t like offense. I saw that game pal, the Texans were not awesome, and if they were awesome they would still be playing football.
Adam Vinitari > Tom Brady Idiocy Scale: 9
Huh?
Article #4
Kobe v. Lebron Who’s better now? (I’m preparing myself for the worst on this one)
Comments
Kobe Bryant: 5 championships
LeChoke: 0
Only stat that means anything. Idiocy Rating: 6
LeChoke: 0
Only stat that means anything. Idiocy Rating: 6
Bill Russell has 11 championship rings, Bob Horry has 7, are you taking Bob Horry over Kobe, Magic, Bird or MJ, no you are not, clearly other stats do matter.
Honestly I couldn’t even find anymore comments worth posting, it was all just trolls yelling Lechoke or Kobrick over and over, it gave me a nose bleed.
Article #5
Alabama Fan teabags LSU fan gets charged
Comments
50 wins, playing tougher schedules than Bama... at least this SEC fan can admit that Boise had the quarterback of a lifetime. The scariest part is that they have another Kellen waiting in the wings. I'm telling you, BSU is winning a Natty soon. Idiocy Scale: 8
This has to be a joke, because no one in their right mind can really think Boise State has a harder schedule than Alabama, or really any other SEC team. I don’t know what he means by another Kellen, was there back up QB also named Kellen, that would be pretty weird, that is not a typical name. BSU’s backup is actually named Joe, which is a strong QB sounding name, maybe they will be okay. Also Boise is never winning a National Championship. Also this article is about an Alabama fan possibly getting arrested for putting his genitals on the face of a passed out LSU fan, I don’t know how or why Boise State came up.
Why would a 32 year old 'Bama guy on Bourbon St. be hanging out a crappy burger joint? I know he's just a sophomore, but he's of legal age. He could've been in a real bar (or a strip club) celebrating in style. I was 15 in 1982 when UNC beat G'Town for the NCAA Championship & I got into all the strip clubs & bars that night. I even got to go backstage with a stripper thanks to my older brother's generosity. Of course, I have to admit he sprang for that when he found me looking at a transvestite stripper at another bar (what can I say, but "T!TS are T!TS."). What a tool to represent 'Bama that way. Idiocy Scale: Over share
Listen, I’m not going to sit here and play holier than thou and act like I have never frequented strip clubs, but I don’t see the connection between celebrating your team’s championship and paying inflated charges so half naked women will interact with you. (BTW the stripper doesn’t like you, you are a mark) Let me help you out and give you the acceptable occasions to go to a strip club.
1. Bachelor Party
2. Your buddy just got dumped and has the same mustard stain on his shirt from 3 days ago.
3. 21st Birthday
4. 1st time in Las Vegas
5. Anytime you win a crazy bet
(I hit a $5 parlay betting on the Kentucky Derby a few years back it paid out around $900, I felt it was only right that I put most of that money back into the universe…easy come, easy go.)
That’s it man. Also, in the future you might want to leave out the transsexual stripper part, but it is your story.
You people are fools to be bashing Alabama because of this. Just hiding your own pain and complicity in this disgusting, uncivil society we call umerikah! Did you know that not one of those Marines caught pissing on dead Taliban were from Alabama? Did ya? Everyone of you stupid sports fans who hang out on this site are just as sick as Downing. And everyone of you would drop trow and dangle your nuggets on a sports enemy if you had the chance. So get the frig over yourselves. Oh and LSU fans... you are Losers! Idiocy Scale: Perfect 10!!!
This is the comment I was looking for, it’s the perfect blend or over the top rage, ridiculous leaps in logic and a rambling, practically incoherent train of thought. Let’s break it down. ( I wish I had a telestrator for this)
You people are fools to be bashing Alabama because of this. I wouldn’t call them fools per say. It probably isn’t the best representation of your place of higher education if one of your alum is putting his genitals on the face of an unconscious person.
Just hiding your own pain and complicity in this disgusting, uncivil society we call umerikah! Huh? I think he’s making fun of the way rednecks pronounce America, but this sentence doesn’t make sense in English, maybe this was translated from another language using a website or something.
Did you know that not one of those Marines caught pissing on dead Taliban were from Alabama? Did ya? This is where things go off the deep end, no comment before this mentions the Marine incident at all. The writer just presumed we were making that connection? He calls America an uncivil society so he must be unhappy by the Marine incident, but he’s defending Alabama but he calls this America disgusting so he must be angry at the Alabama tea bagging incident, but the Marines aren’t from there so…Fuck, I just got another nose bleed, I need to go take care of this.
Everyone of you stupid sports fans who hang out on this site are just as sick as Downing. And everyone of you would drop trow and dangle your nuggets on a sports enemy if you had the chance. Alright, so this writer is not a sports fan, but still found it necessary to read this article on espn.com. I’m also 99% that not every single person that has ever been to espn.com would put their genitals on the face of an unconscious complete stranger who happened to like a different sports team.
So get the frig over yourselves. Oh and LSU fans... you are Losers! Huge minus points, (or are they bonus points, I don’t really know any more) for using the term frig. I get that if you swear in your comments it’s going to come out all @#$%$ when you submit it, so either decide that you are willing to deal with that in your post, or cut it out completely, don’t go half assed that’s spineless. After reading this comment multiple times I can’t figure out what exactly this person’s point is. I guess they are an Alabama fan, that hates sports and America, but also hates LSU and the Marines, but it actually could be the other way around.
Alright, that’s it for now, time for a nap.
XOXO
Jon
