With the college football season taking up most of my Saturdays, I keep coming across a scenario that I am not embarrassed to admit gets me more than a little annoyed. So much so, that I decided to start a blog just to vent my frustrations like so many steam pipes. What’s my problem? Is it the problems with the BCS, poor graduation rates, paying players? NO. I don't like that teams in the FBS can have the same team names. The Auburn Tigers playing the LSU Tigers, The Michigan State Spartans playing the Spartans of San Jose State (which has never happened, but could!). Maybe I’m the only person that finds this disturbing that in America, the land of individualism and freedom, you can have a sports league with 4 bulldogs, 5 tigers, 2 Trojans, and 3 owls (owls?!?!) . This cannot stand. So I have taken it upon myself to clear this whole thing up and give you an FBS with 120 distinct unique team names.
This is not as difficult a challenge as it may initially seem. Currently, 85 of the 120 teams have unique names (to an extent). I'm allowing for teams with adjectival qualifiers to be counted as different teams. In my perfect utopia, the color of one’s’ knight separates Army and Rutgers, FIU's Golden Panthers romp playfully with Pitt’s Panthers and Miami's Hurricanes and Tulsa's Golden Hurricane coexist peacefully. (I don't believe there is such a thing as a Golden Panther or a Golden Hurricane but I like to believe we could live in a world where they exist)
This leaves us with the following list of shared team names.
Arizona | Wildcats | Auburn | Tigers | Rice | Owls |
Kansas State | Wildcats | Clemson | Tigers | Temple | Owls |
Kentucky | Wildcats | LSU | Tigers | Florida Atlantic | Owls |
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| Memphis | Tigers |
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Fresno State | Bulldogs | Missouri | Tigers | Air Force | Falcons |
Georgia | Bulldogs |
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| Bowling Green | Falcons |
Louisiana Tech | Bulldogs | Eastern Michigan | Eagles |
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Mississippi State | Bulldogs | Boston College | Eagles |
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Oklahoma State | Cowboys | New Mexico State | Aggies |
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Wyoming | Cowboys | Texas A&M | Aggies |
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| Utah State | Aggies |
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Troy | Trojans |
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USC | Trojans | NC State | Wolf Pack |
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| Nevada | Wolf Pack |
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Buffalo | Bulls |
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South Florida | Bulls | BYU | Cougars |
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| Houston | Cougars |
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San Jose State | Spartans | Washington State | Cougars |
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Michigan State | Spartans |
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| Northern Illinois | Huskies |
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Ole Miss | Rebels | Connecticut | Huskies |
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UNLV | Rebels | Washington | Huskies |
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Some of these can be cleared up quickly and painlessly while others will require the schools to battle (figuratively) to the death (of a mascot) for the honor of their alma mater.
The Easy Ones
Ole Miss and UNLV – this one is super simple. The UNLV Rebels simply implement the nickname of their more infamous basketball team and become the UNLV Runnin’ Rebels (as you can see adjectives are important…more to come). To make this nickname more apropos, they will hire Paul Johnson to coach and implement the triple option.
Boston College and Eastern Michigan – again the adjective comes in to play and BC embraces it’s unofficial name and goes by the Screaming Eagles. I don’t know how this affects the team’s football plans, but since my uncle played there, I hope it helps them win games.
Winners and Losers
This category is for teams that clearly have a death grip on their nickname even though others have claimed it. These are the obvious ones; the ones when you tell someone with a modicum of sports knowledge that you were watching a team named such and such, they would presume it was this school between 80%-99.99% of the time.
Trojans – As much as I would love to award this to Troy because this nickname is so logical, this is USC’s name all the way.
Aggies – Just as obvious as USC. If I say Aggies you are thinking of the 12th man.
Bulldogs – I guess I can see getting some flak from Mississippi State fans but if you tell the average college football fan that you are watching the bulldogs play, they will assume you mean UGA. (This opinion is definitely swayed by my love for their awesome mascot Uga, you are always going to get extra points for live mascots.)
Spartans – San Jose State has a fine football team and a pretty cool logo (look it up). They, along with Rice Owls, hold the record for most points and TDs scored in a non OT game when they won 70-63 is 2004. After last year’s abysmal season where they couldn’t win even one game in the WAC while they starting to turn it around they won’t be turning it around as Spartans. That team name goes to Michigan State.
Cowboys – Even if this wasn’t obvious for OKie State, T. Boone Pickens made Wyoming an offer they couldn’t refuse and this one was all cleared up.
Wolf Pack – I was going to make this a head to head (see below) but I gotta be honest Nevada was a D2 team for a while, and I’m pretty sure I only know about them because of Colin Kaepernick, The Pistol, and their beatdown of Boise State last year. NC State is more recognizable and is put over the top by its live mascot, Tuffy, a badass looking wolf dog. (Apparently it’s not a real wolf as that would be dangerous although LSU keeps a godless killing machine on its sideline which may be one of the reasons they win national championships)
Owls - This one might have been closer if Florida Atlantic and Temple weren’t generally terrible and unimportant in football. Rice loses to Texas by 35 every year but at least they are playing the big boys. Congrats Rice, that counts for something in my book.
Huskies – This one is really tricky because Washington is head and shoulders the best Football program is this group, but once we factor in UCONN’s basketball tradition this becomes a bit of an issue. NIU is left out in the cold *shrug*. As a former resident of Connecticut I believe I will be physically assaulted for just giving the Huskies to Washington, but really… they have like 4 National Championships. I know, I know, random crazy UCONN fan in football but remember that’s the point of this essay.
Head 2 Head
For the rest of the schools sharing common team names, they will have to play home and home for the next 9 years- first to 5 wins gets to keep the name.
Bulls - Buffalo vs. South Florida. I know South Florida has only been a football program since 1997 but did you know that Buffalo has only been to 1 bowl game and has been playing since 1894!!! Since Turner Gill is no longer there, I have a feeling that USF keeps the name.
Cougars – Houston vs Washington State (I’ve taken BYU right out of the mix---see their new and more accurate team name below) Both of these teams are generally pretty good, Washington State probably peaked in the early 2000’s, but Houston is mostly known for putting up video game type numbers and Andre Ware. I have no idea who wins.
Falcons – I gotta be honest neither of these teams really excite me and I almost forgot to include them on the list. It should almost be BGSU by default because don’t you constantly refer to the service academies just by the branch they represent? Either way, let em’ duke it out.
Wildcats – If you thought the Huskies was tricky, this Wildcats dilemma ups the ante. You have a similar situation with a bad football/great basketball school. With Kentucky however, the differential with their football and basketball programs is even greater. Also, there is no weak link in the teams like with NIU. So we are left with the proverbial clusterf***. If only not for Bill Snyder, no one would care about the team from the Little Apple. Alright, for the Wildcats we go with 6 year plan where each team plays home and home with the other schools - 1 point for home victory, 2 points for an away victory at the end of 6 years winner takes the name.
Catch a Tiger (by its tail)
In the spirit of full disclosure, it was the Tiger that prompted me to write this article. The Tiger; did you know there are a grand total of 5 teams jockeying for the right to keep that majestic beast as their team name
Auburn – Actually we can luckily drop Auburn out of this list pretty easily. How, do you ask? Find an Auburn fan. Now ask them to name their fight song…go ahead, I’m waiting… …Just as I thought. Auburn, you are now the War Eagles.
Sorry Mizzou and Memphis, you are both out, neither of your teams are in the echelon of the last two standing.
Head to Head: LSU vs. Clemson (BONUS This title also includes the rights to call your stadium Death Valley. Really? The same nickname for a stadium, that’s just silly.) This is probably the most important and best match up of the entire (completely fictional) renaming campaign.
New Team Names
Let’s go quickly through the ones we already covered and those that didn’t change
Boston College Screaming Eagles
UNLV Running Rebels
Georgia Bulldogs
Texas A&M Aggies
Oklahoma State Cowboys
USC Trojans
Michigan State Spartans
Ole Miss Rebels
Eastern Michigan Eagles (Seriously, doesn’t it surprise you that no one else has this name)
NC State Wolf Pack
Rice Owls
Auburn – War Eagles (It is an amazing and badass team name, how can I be the first person to come up with this? …I’m 100% sure I’m not.)
Now the ones that need to (or may need to if they are playing in my fantasy head to head matchup) change
Arizona – I’ve only been to Arizona once and it was to visit ASU, but I got the worst sunburn of my life there. This has nothing to do with the renaming so I digress. Arizona is most famous for Dick Tomey and The Desert Swarm defense, done. You are now the Arizona Desert Swarm. It has a great ring to it and the mascot could be some sort of crazy hornet.
Kansas State – As I mentioned earlier, Kansas State was put on the map by Bill Snyder. Since they named the stadium after him, it would make sense to call them the Snyders but that is a terrible name, so since they also call their logo the powercat… Ok, Kansas State Powercats. This is the first new fake team name I don’t love…hopefully not many more to come.
Kentucky – Pretty straight forward. If (let’s be honest this is probably a whenUK is terrible at football) you lose the moniker of wildcats and simply become the Kentucky Big Blue. This is so easy, why has no one done this before?!?!?
Fresno State – According to what I can find on Wikipedia, there’s really no great moment behind the bulldog mascot, but you do have those Green V’s on your helmets for San Joaquin Valley agriculture. So,I’m thinking the Veggies or the Valleyers … … Fresno State Green Valley , it is okay at best, I know…Hey if it is so easy you try it(please don’t try it, if you came up with something better I would feel like a failure), they aren’t all going to be gold.
Louisiana Tech - As with many southern schools, this team has tradition coming out their ass, so it is not that tricky to find a name-The spirit of ’88 , The Fire Bells, Tech (their live dog mascot). I’m thinking Fire Bell wins, Louisiana Tech Fire Bells (you can keep the dog mascot if you want to…I like animal mascots)
Mississippi State – They used to be called the Maroons, I’m fine with that. Mississippi State Maroons it is.
Wyoming – You’re state nickname is the cowboy state, and state bird: western meadowlark, state sport: rodeo, state fish: cutthroat trout, and state dinosaur: triceratops. Hold on, states have official dinosaurs? Let me delve more deeply into this. Only 7 states have a state dinosaur…I’m glad I’m not closely monitored at work. We’ve got a winner Wyoming Triceratops.
Troy – Your old nickname was the Red Wave. I know I get it. People from Troy would technically be Trojans just like people from Texas would be Texans, it makes sense…but nope you are back to being the Troy Red Wave. I’m hoping we can find a way to have you play Tulane every year.
Buffalo – As with Troy, and some other schools, you had another name and changed it for some reason. From this day forward, you will be known as the Buffalo Bisons. A little redundant I agree, but you don’t even need to order new helmets.
USF – Listen USF, all I really know about your team is you only started playing football like yesterday and are only pretty good because you play in the worst AQ conference in football and you stole your hand sign from the Texas Longhorns…Did you seriously think no one would notice that?!?!?! So keep the stolen hand symbol and update your name by ripping off one of the big boys in the area. You are now the USF Tropical Storm, it’s like a hurricane but much less impressive.
San Jose State – Ok so I don’t know the way to San Jose *rim shot*. Some of your old mascots were the Daniels, the Teachers, the Pedagogues, the Normals, and the Normalites. Seriously, those suck worse than anything I can come up with. Alright brain, start spinning gold. San Jose is the capital of Silicon Valley, and since Stanford can’t embrace a new moniker, I’d recommend stealing some of their thunder. Introducing the San Jose State Processors, Procs for short. Listen, it’s better than the Normals; at least nominally.
New Mexico State – You used to be called the Roadrunners, and you have an identical mascot to both Wyoming and Oklahoma State. Also, apparently Bill O’Reilly said something about your mascot and guns, or…I don’t really care. New Mexico State Roadrunners it is.
Utah State – You’re an agriculture school, you’ve been around forever and you aren’t very good at football, but during the 60’s and 70’s students tried to get the team name changed to highlanders because your school has some weird tie to Scotland, or they were from the future and saw the awesome movie. Either way you got it now, the Utah State Highlanders. There can be only one!!!
Nevada – As previously mentioned, I only know you because of Colin Kaepernick, The Pistol formation and beating Boise State. You used to be the Sagebrushers, but I just realized there is no Coyote mascot in the FBS. Do they have coyotes in Nevada? They do now, the Nevada Coyotes. What? You don’t like it, you can go back to Sagebrushers…Oh, you like it now, cool. Also you guys should play New Mexico State every year that would be epic.
BYU - I know I just threw you out of the Cougar talk but come on, cougars are mean, vicious cats. That’s not you, you’re better than that, you have an honor code, your players go on missions, and you don’t play on Sunday. You are the BYU Missionaries.
Houston – You might keep the Cougar name, but did you know the only reason you have it is because you hired Washington State’s old football coach in the 20’s. You have that cougar paw hand sign because your live cougar mascot lost a toe and UT made fun of it. (Those big old meanie heads). I hope you keep the Cougar but if you don’t, at least you can keep the hand sign when you become the Houston Shockers.
Washington State – I know Houston stole your Cougar thunder and you used to be called the Warriors and the Indians. Not much else jumps out at me but I remember from childhood that there were woolly mammoths there. So, yeah…Washington State Woolly Mammoths.
Northern Illinois – I’m starting to get worn down here so looking through your old team names the only one that isn’t currently being used and doesn’t suck is Northerners. Done, Northern Illinois Northerners it is. Guess your valedictorian came up with that one.
UCONN – I’m sorry you can’t keep the Husky Mascot, I like live mascots and Jonathan is a pretty good one. But better to be prepared, so what else is Connecticut known for? Nutmeg, Constitution State, um…stone fences and rolling hills, rich white people. Not much there, but how about we bring back another beloved symbol this state can get behind, UCONN Whalers. You’re welcome.
Temple – Your name is quite clever, you started as a night school so you picked a nocturnal hunter as your representative; I can dig, but let’s see what else we can scare up …researching…vampires? Nah…Loris? Fireflies? Nighthawks…yeah that will do. Temple Nighthawks, getting on a heater here, let’s keep going.
Florida Atlantic – You’re basically a brand new program created and coached by the guy that turned University of Miami into the “U” and your mascots name is Owsley the Owl. You couldn’t come up with anything better than that? Alright well what do we have to work with in Florida…Disney World, swamps, hot weather, trashy girls going wild, family restaurants known for their chicken wings…that’s a bingo! You can keep the Owsley but now it’s the Florida Atlantic Hooters. Tie in a sponsorship with the restaurant, change the colors, and let’s start building a dynasty!
Air Force – Listen Air Force, your academy exists to get people to fly crazy planes and become astronauts and you named yourself after a bird. I get it its flies and attacks animals, but you have all those bad ass planes with all those badass nicknames and you picked the bird. For instance did you know that the F-16 is officially known as the “Fighting Falcon”? Shit, did you guys name yourself after the plane…checking…no, I’m good. You came up with the name by vote in 1959, the plane came out in 1978, but that was a close one. Using this same concept lets update to the new F-22 and voila the Air Force Raptors.
Bowling Green – I also think your school is in Kentucky and I don’t know why. Is there a Bowling Green, KY? There is, they make cars there so at least my misunderstanding is understandable. Hmmm, you picked the Falcons because you read an article on them and liked that they were “The most powerful bird for their size and often attacked birds two or three times their size.” Do you know what other animal attacks larger creatures and just generally doesn’t give a shit…you got it. The Bowling Green Honey Badgers. That’s both interesting and topical.
Memphis – I’ve been trying to find a name that signifies the city more so than the university and it’s a bit tricky. Memphis’ cultural identity mostly revolves around delicious pork barbeque, insanely high crime rates, and being the birth place of Elvis, Stax Records and modern American popular music. Memphis is just as much an idea as it is an actual place. I want to call you the University of Memphis Sound. But doesn’t that sound like a WNBA or Arena Football League team name, hold on…is it? Let me check. No its not, but both of those leagues seem to have a tendency to have teams that don’t end in “S” so that must be why. Now, I’m wondering why that is…another entry perhaps. I’m sticking with the Sound though.
Missouri – The Tiger name is based on historical events surrounding Civil War marauders and protecting the town of Columbia, but more interesting is your history with tiger mascots. Throughout the 60’s and 70’s, you had a guy in a tiger suit known simply as “The Tiger”. El Tigre would, during the course of a typical game, make lewd gestures that included pulling his tail between his legs appearing to jerk off at the opponents. I would like to assign you Conan O’ Brien’s Masturbating Bear to help keep the tradition alive but I’m not going to. I’ve spent this entire article trying not to make names that suck. My idea is switch sides on that Missouri Tigers v. Bill Anderson and pick a name like bushwhackers, raiders or marauders. Missouri Marauders. I like it.
Clemson – The Tiger Rag is great, your tradition is wonderful, and your team is a verb associated with crapping the bed. You have a lot to be proud of, but the whole Tiger thing was because your first coach was from Auburn and Princeton had just won the national championship, so it doesn’t really mean much. Keeping in the tradition of borrowing from winners let’s just take the name of one last year’s champions. Auburn Tigers, no, Boston Bruins, also out, San Francisco Giants, maybe, Dallas Mavericks, possibly, Green Bay Packers? Forget it all those names would make zero sense, just switch it to lions, didn’t you realize there aren’t any lions? Clemson Lions. Now play me that Lion Rag.
LSU – You won’t lose the Tiger name even if you had to play for it, but other than the aforementioned harbinger of death named Mike, not much really has to do with tigers. The tiger bait chants could be amended with anything. Just like Mizzou, the name has its origins in the civil war, so why not just change it to another symbol of war that also honors one of your most famous players; the LSU Cannons. You can just yell cannon fodder at opposing fans. This may be slightly more difficult when one is black out drunk, but if any fans can handle it, it’s the fans in Baton Rouge. Also you replace Mike with an actual instrument of death which is a pretty smooth transition if you ask me. Bonus: The women’s teams would be the Lady Cannons.
120 teams, 120 names and just over 3,500 words to get there. I feel better now.
