**Disclaimer, I’ve read almost every article over at FJM, I know this is kind of their thing, but they are busy making Parks and Recreation, and I can’t let articles like this stand.**
Before we get to my open letter I’m going to save everyone some time by paraphrasing the above video. Jim Bowden was asked which big time free agent signing that had a rough year would bounce back. Bowden said he thought Carl Crawford would come back and hit 20 home runs, steal 40 bases and play plus defense BUT!!! It would be for the Chicago Cubs. (I’m 100% sure there are a few earlier takes of this where Jim kept raising one finger and making the stupid “A-HA” face before some kindly stepped in and explained he looked like a gigantic douche) His argument is that well, Theo Epstein is in Chicago now. That’s it then the video ends. I hate this kind of sports journalism, basically you just throw out some random dumb idea, hoping people will yell at you for your dumb idea and then you got a bunch of page hits. This is basically how Colin Cowheard has operated his entire life. Below you will find an open letter to JimBo.
Dear Jim Bowden,
You owe me back at least 1 minute and 15 seconds of my life, for having to watch this video and the constantly embedded commercial that goes along with it. So, Carl Crawford is going to have a huge bounce back, but it’s going to be for the Cubs, because Theo Epstein now in charge in Chicago. Now, clearly I am not a professional writer of sports but I’m pretty sure you need to base your ideas somewhere in reality and that you just don’t give away players, ya know because you already have enough. Let us go over what we both know. The Sox signed CC to a very large contract and to trade him now they would probably have to continue to pay at least a part of that. So already, they are paying someone not to play for them. (Why? He seems like a good enough guy, just seems like he killed himself trying to prove he was worth that big contract) Also the Sox would be selling extremely low on CC coming off 1 bad year (Again Why? Statistical analysis shows guys with CC’s skill set tend to age better than power hitters into their mid to late 30’s) The Sox aren’t losing money so why just give away CC? Alright, alright maybe Theo Epstein really loves him and wants him so bad. Well the Red Sox and Cubs will need work out a deal for CC. (They can’t even decide on a deal for Theo, when are they going to work out the deal for CC?) What are they offering, Starlin Castro and Matt Garza? (Please god yes)No, they are not, because Theo is not Ed Wade and the Cubs are building for the future, again I am not a baseball professional but I am pretty sure you don’t build for the future around a 30 year old speedy OF.
Jim, is this one of those things where you say something so dumb on the one and a million chance it happens and makes you look relevant for a few days? You don’t say anything that is based in the world of logic, so I am going to presume that that is the case and you are not just making wishes on eyelashes. When I was a kid my favorite football player was Lawrence Taylor, (It’s been a sad road to adulthood for me) but my favorite team was the New England Patriots, so I always hoped that LT would play for the Pats. See, you and I did the same thing except I was 6 at the time and still knew I was being unrealistic. I like your game though, say something crazy if it actually happens you turn into sports Nostradamus. So I’ve come up with my own list.
What I expect to happen during the Hot Stove Season
1. Stephen Strasburg will be traded to the Red Sox because Adrian Gonzalez played in Strasburg’s hometown of San Diego.
2. Nolan Ryan will put Robin Ventura in a headlock until he gives the Rangers the White Sox best prospects.
3. Jered Weaver will wear an oversized cowboy hat and make all of his teammates call him “Turd Ferguson” because it’s a funny name.
4. Justin Verlander will make a PSA called “Strike Out Crime” where he rides around Detroit throwing 100 mph fastballs at would be criminals.
5. Tony La Russa will get picked up on a DUI, and be forced to use his last World Series get of jail free card.
6. Clayton Kershaw will challenge Ian Kennedy to an actual pitcher’s duel and shoot him in the chest with a pistol at 10 paces.
7. The Dodgers will be bought by Mikhail Prokhorov, who will then move them back to Brooklyn. Then with his evil plan finally ready to be put in motion, move all of Brooklyn to Russia using thousands of land moving helicopters. The only people that can stop him are the unlikely duo of young hot shot detective Jose Reyes and his grizzled veteran partner Derek Jeter, who is too old for this shit. “When a Russian Billionaire tries to steal part of New York City, only one duo can come together and make him stop…Shortstops. A Michael Bay Film”
8. Jacoby Ellsbury will admit that his real name is Jacob Ellsbury and that he added the “y” in third grade because there was another Jacob in the class who got head lice and he didn’t want to be confused with him.
9. Jose Bautista will regress without sign stealing and hit negative 17 home runs.
10. Alex Rios (.227/.265/.348) will bounce back and win the Triple Crown, in horse racing! (Now that’s a prediction)
Suck it Jim Bowden.
XOXO
Jon
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